Contemplating Communication - Part 2

A silence on the line.

Have you ever been talking on the phone with a friend when you realize there is profound quiet on the other end of the line and the person with whom you were speaking is mentally far away, not really listening to you? 

Most likely the person is in the throes of what they may call “multitasking.” True, it could be you are simply boring them. But the kind thing to do in that instance is for them to make some excuse to just end the phone call.

This hasn’t happened to me very often but when it does it’s disconcerting—and rude! When I sense this “vacancy” on the other end of the line I usually ask if the person would like to hang up and “…we can talk later.” The quick, almost panicked comment is “Oh no! Sorry I was just…” checking my instant messages/writing a grocery list/looking at the calendar, etc.

Pam  is all ears and energetic asides when I am talking about or commenting on events in her world, her life. The silence happens when I veer into my world, away from something pertaining specifically to her. 

Pam only thinks she is having a conversation with me; thinks she can combine listening to her friend speak while also doing any number of other visual or mental tasks.

Then again, maybe I'm boring her!

I recently read of a Stanford University study which shows multitasking (media multi-tasking in particular) takes a toll on the brain. The study concluded that "...people who juggle multiple forms of electronic media have trouble controlling their memory, paying attention or switching from one task to another as effectively as those who complete one task at a time."

Adam Gazzaley, a professor of neurology and psychiatry calls multitasking a myth. Task switching is more accurate, he says. “Our brains don’t excel at doing too many things at once.”

“Scooby-Doo Where Are You?”

That question is one Ali said she wants to ask when she’s talking with a friend and notices the person’s eyes literally glaze over—as if they’ve gone bye-bye in their head. Doesn’t happen often, Ali says; but when she’s experienced it, her reaction has been to immediately stop talking and ask if the person would, for instance, care for another cup of coffee or glass of water—anything to break the “spell.”

Ali is an extremely interesting conversationalist as well as a kind and attentive listener so I am quite certain boredom isn’t the cause of the glazing over.

Most likely the listener is someone who doesn’t have the ability to compartmentalize thoughts and simply be in the present. He is trying to multitask inside his head. As a result, he eschews living and being in the moment and his eyes glaze over.  

At the totally opposite end of this conversation/dialogue spectrum is my friend Jan.

Jan and I have known each for 18 years. We try to get together for dinner at least once a month. Dinner is simply a very good excuse; what we truly enjoy is spending hour upon hour talking about everything from gardening to family, from politics to religion (for many, those last two are major taboos, but not for us!).

We don’t always agree and we don’t always have the most in depth conversations imaginable. However, never once in all these years have I seen Jan’s eyes glaze over while we are in conversation. Her attention is fully in the moment.

I consider it a fine trait to listen intently and let the speaker know he or she is being heard. It’s one I sincerely try to hone. I want my friends to know they are being heard—that I am not going to drop out, either on the phone or face to face.