Contemplation

Monday, December 13, 2010

Watch Yourself

I’ve been dwelling on how different people interpret the word “empathy.” Empathy is defined as “the intellectual identification with … the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another."

By his words and actions, it's obvious my friend Jonas is a sympathetic and compassionate person. Also, he often comments that he believes he is an empathetic person (which seems unnecessary--his actions should negate the need for making the statement).

Jonas most likely does put himself in the figurative shoes of another. He may even “walk” a few paces in those shoes. The thing is, he’s still the same person. He hasn’t totally morphed into the other, therefore, how can he possibly understand?

Even when we profess empathetic feelings, don’t we still have our own emotional baggage and biases impacting and affecting our responses to another’s words or actions? If so, then how can we can believe we are “intellectually identifying” with that person?

I’m no doubt splitting philosophical and grammatical hairs here (not unusual!). 

I’m working on becoming more tolerant and more understanding of others, even when--or especially when--I find it difficult to relate to their feelings or attitudes; I don't know their circumstances, I haven't walked in their shoes.

It seems to me the most important thing I can do is monitor my own words, reactions and impulses and be alert to any negative impact I may have on others. I’ve gotten better at this as the decades have worn on, but I’m still not out of the woods!

Even with the quaint language, this pre-1912 poem by S. W. Gilliland (in Penberthy Engineer) rings as true today as when written almost 100 years ago:
 
Just stand aside and watch yourself go by;
Think of yourself as "he" instead of "I."
Note closely, as in other men you note,
The bag-kneed trousers and the seedy coat.
Pick the flaws; find fault; forget the man is you,
And strive to make your estimate ring true;
Confront yourself and look you in the eye—
Just stand aside and watch yourself go by.

Interpret all your motives just as though
You looked on one whose aims you did not know.
Let undisguised contempt surge through you when
You see you shirk, O commonest of men!
Despise your cowardice; condemn whate'er
You note of falseness in you anywhere.
Defend not one defect that shames your eye—
Just stand aside and watch yourself go by.

And then, with eyes unveiled to what you loathe—
To sins that with sweet charity you'd clothe—
Back to your self-walled tenements you'll go
With tolerance for all who dwell below.
The faults of others then will dwarf and shrink,
Love's chain grow stronger by one mighty link—
When you, with "he" as substitute for "I,"
Have stood aside and watched yourself go by.


My upbringing, the vagaries of my life and the choices I’ve made do not necessarily dictate how I live my life, but they have a bearing on how I act and react. I must remember that and remember to stand aside and watch myself go by.